bubble, bubble, toil and trouble

What on earth was Zoe Tay thinking, traipsing around in the “jungle” in this bubbly nightmare?

yikes

Ok, you might say that she wore it for the sake of continuity. After all, this was what she was wearing in the previous scene (in the office) when she found out that her idiot boyfriend had saved the Blistering Barnacle (Elvin Ng). The decision to look for the Blistering Barnacle was immediate. There was no time to change. So it just makes sense that Zoe Tay would be traipsing around in the jungle in her bubble and her heels, right? WRONG. My question is: why was she wearing that frothy concoction to the office in the first place? Is that how a Deputy CEO dresses?

Oh, Zoe Tay, was it not enough that you assaulted our eyes with this mini-skirted bubbly nightmare in the first episode?

First I was afraid

Somebody, please, put this mutton-dressed-as-lamb out of her misery. Otherwise, I might be compelled to mangle another Shakespearean quote.

Going nuts

Here’s a clip I forgot to post last week. If you are a fan of Felicia Chin, you may want to close your eyes and ears. It ain’t pretty. If you are not a Felicia Chin fan, you may want to note how the dialogue is obviously dubbed.

See how the tone of her voice does not match her exaggerated gestures?  Obviously somebody thought she went too far with those far flung gestures–I mean, seriously, what’s with the huge intake of air before jumping from your seat? Why do you need to shout at your poor crippled brother when he is right next to you? No wonder Tay Ping Hui’s so stoic. Who wouldn’t be with Felicia Chin shouting at you like that.

But what’s with the mellow voice? Obviously somebody tried to tone it down a little in postproduction. But obviously NOBODY thought to see if the sound matches the image because if they did they might have realised that that’s not what yelling sounds like. That sounds like how Felicia Chin ought to have played the scene when they shot it, instead of going completely berserk for not apparent reason.

Maybe they’re hoping we wouldn’t notice. Maybe they’re hoping we would think it’s a part of her Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because after all, isn’t Felicia Chin nuts? Yeah, maybe, except that having PTSD doesn’t mean you’re mad. It doesn’t explain why Felicia Chin is like a nervous tick from the beginning–recall the fidgety boy she pretends to be. This over the top acting is not a symptom. It’s a limitation. As a result, Felicia Chin’s Sun Min is a high-pitched, irritating caricature that neither endears nor garners sympathy. The only feeling she arouses is a great urge to swat.

Sight for sore eyes

Finally, I get to say something good about The Ultimatum because The Ultimatum finally delivers something good–an emotional scene where there are no flared nostrils:

In a series where almost everyone is histrionic, where shouting is passed off as drama and theatrics are mistaken for acting, this scene is a veritable sight for sore eyes. Tay Ping Hui and Fann Wong are just about the only 2 people in The Ultimatum who aren’t over the top. This doesn’t mean that they are monotonous and boring (like the pale-faced Cake Prince). It doesn’t mean that they are incapable of large gestures and broader strokes. It just means that Tay Ping Hui and Fann Wong understand tone and pitch, and how to use them. It means that shouting isn’t the only weapon in their arsenal (unlike the Blistering Barnacle Elvin Ng. See previous post). It means that they understand that character is not the same as caricature. Unfortunately they seem to be the only 2 who know this because their Sun Jie and Songqiao are just about the only interesting characters in a series where there are virtually no compelling or even likeable characters.

Of course, it helps that Tay Ping Hui and Fann Wong actually have chemistry–just compare their earlier banter with the bland conversations (I wouldn’t call that bantering) she has with Terence Cao. Isn’t it obvious that she ought to be with Tay Ping Hui and not the lackluster did-he-have-a-facelift Terence Cao? Or better still, compare them with Zoe Tay and Li Nanxing whose chemistry is as sizzling as a flatline and whose relationship is as painful and contrived as their acting.

But wait, there’s more.

Apparently, the scene was not a fluke. It was not a one-hit wonder. A few scenes later, Tay Ping Hui and Fann Wong deliver again!:

Could it be that Tay Ping Hui and Fann Wong are the only 2 actors in a cast of artistes? Could it be that after all these years and so many upstarts, there’s really nothing like experience and the good ol’ A-list when it comes to acting chops?

But wait. Wouldn’t that mean that Li Nanxing SHOULD be able to act as well since he’s been around a lot longer than Tay Ping Hui or Fann Wong? Well, that’s a stretch isn’t it? Because if it were true, why do you think the little boy oh so subtlely moves away from him at the end of this clip?

Could it be that Li Nanxing was a little…oh I don’t know…LOUD?

Bad cut

Guess what I found in last week’s episode:

Now, if you are confessing your big bad secret to your idiot amnesiac boyfriend, wouldn’t you be concerned that other people might overhear? Of course you are. That’s why you go to the big, open, empty space of the garden/poolside. Now, if you are at this big, open, empty space, wouldn’t you be able to see people walking by? Wouldn’t you be able to see if someone is erm…almost right next to you? Well, apparently not because Elvin Ng manages to get so close to Zoe Tay and Li Nanxing that he can snatch the phone from Li Nanxing’s hands without their noticing or realizing he was even close by. Maybe Elvin Ng is stealth trained. Maybe he has the superpower of a mosquito. Or maybe, just maybe, the brilliant people who came up with this brilliant scene simply didn’t think it through.

But wait…there’s more.

So the mobile phone containing the video that exposes your big bad secret has been snatched. What do you do? Do you try to snatch it back? Would there be a struggle, perhaps, as you and your idiot boyfriend try to get it back? Would you try to stop Elvin Ng from exposing you? Noooooo….why would you want to do that when it makes sooooo much more sense to just stare at him, go back to the party and wring your hands?

Well, by that same logic, I am compelled to ask: why would you want to have a series that makes sense when you can have one that doesn’t?

Fuzzy logic

All right, I get that one has to really moderate lower one’s expectations when watching Mediacorp drama. I get that one is not supposed to look too closely because the flaws are too evident and ugly. I even get that perhaps the only reason why Zoe Tay is even in The Ultimatum is because it is supposed to be a blockbuster–so you really need to cast the big guns in this one.  After all, she didn’t get cast because of her great acting skills, did she?–when was the last time Zoe Tay won an award, a nomination or even a rave review for her acting? Can you recall a memorable character she’s played recently?

So while I get that Zoe Tay has to be in this series, what I don’t get is why she defies logic. For instance:

1.  Zoe Tay’s idea of a power suit is a mini bubble skirt (yes, that certainly is the surest way to get respect).

If costumes are supposed to help establish a character, think about what wearing a mini bubble dress to work says of Ms Tay–more interested in looking good than looking realistic, perhaps? Completely out of touch with reality, perhaps? After all, how can anyone take you seriously when you wear that to the office?

2.   Zoe Tay’s first act as Deputy CEO is…to take the day off

Ok so she’s a high powered executive who just got the top job. But what does she do the day after her promotion? Does she get to work? Does she roll up her sleeves and do CEO-type things? Nooooooo…..she takes the day off and spends it on the high seas with her amnesiac boyfriend. Now that’s what smart people do…they skive.

3.   Zoe Tay can run a major corporation but never thought of DNA testing to see if Ah Beng Li Nanxing is really God of Gamblers Li Nanxing

DNA testing would have saved her the ton of money she spent on the brilliant idea that the only way for the Ah Beng Li Nanxing to remember that he is the God of Gamblers Li Nanxing is to keep gambling. Now, that’s a smart cookie if I ever did saw one. Remind me to recommend her for the next job opening for CEO.

4.  Who cares if Li Nanxing is the God of Gamblers, what Zoe Tay wants are the wedding pictures.

After she asks Li Nanxing to take wedding pictures yet again last night, I can’t help but wonder: does she actually want to marry him or is she only in it for the pictures? Think about the logic: when the man you’ve loved for years asks you what he could do to make you happy, the most logical thing to say is…take wedding pictures with me?! That’s all Zoe Tay wants? And when Li Nanxing logically points out that they had already taken wedding pictures, what does Zoe Tay say? Oh, she says, the last time we took them you were coerced! How psycho is that? Or maybe all of this is just an excuse for Zoe Tay to wear another wedding dress. After all, The Ultimatum is really a gratuitous fashion show for Ms Tay, isn’t it?

5.   So what if Li Nanxing is lost again? Zoe Tay can always find him at the out-of-the-way church ruins.

Ok, picture this: she is waiting for him at the bridal shop for wedding photoshoot number 3. He is not only amnesiac but also stupid and forgetful because he goes to the wrong bridal shop. He fails to show at the right shop. She panics and what does she do? Run out into the street to look for him in her wedding dress and high heels, of course. What could be more logical? So that’s what she does. In the meantime, he discovers he’s been a twit and makes a run to the right shop to meet her. So, based on the logic of Mediacorp melodramas, they would meet in the middle, right? Yeah…except that the middle happens to be at the ruins of a church on top of a long flight of steps (see picture of exact site below–Sao Paulo church, Macau).

Same site, different day.

Yes, you have to climb the flight of steps to get to this obvious tourist attraction, which makes one wonder how on earth it could have made sense to the writers/producers/directors/people who came up with the idea? Why would she go there to look for him? Is this the place that immediately comes to mind when a person is missing in Macau? Is that why there are so many bystanders hanging around in the shot? Were they waiting to find or be found? Furthermore, if he is running to the right bridal shop, why would this chapel be on the way?! How can it on the way when you have to climb those steps to get there?

You know, I could go on but what’s the use? After all, it is already painfully obvious that the people who made The Ultimatum, the people who wrote the story and worked out the logic of all of it REALLY REALLY know what they’re doing.

Blistering barnacle

Why does watching Elvin Ng in The Ultimatum feel like I’ve found a blistering barnacle? (Sorry Tintin fans, I couldn’t help it. The title found me.)

Can't you just hear it? "Billions of blistering blue barnacles?"

Is it because, despite Mediacorp’s myriad declarations that he is the upstart to watch, the boy really can’t act? Yes, what a shocker. There’s an actor in Mediacorp who can’t act. Maybe that’s why they’re called artistes, not actors. But i digress. I’ll admit I’m not an expert but surely, surely, acting is much more than stomping, glaring and flaring nostrils, which seem to be the only techniques in Elvin’s arsenal. Ye Renyi may be a spoilt brat but he also deeply desires his father’s approval. He could have come across as determined to succeed but beleaguered by those who seek to undermine him. Instead, every time he’s thwarted, he whines. Every time he’s challenged, he shouts. In Elvin’s hands, Renyi is nothing more than an arrogant schmuck, a belligerent brat who is as flat as a pancake and just as complex. The louder he shouts, the more he chafes. The more belligerent he gets, the more he blisters.

I have no idea why he is the upstart to watch because the experience of watching has so far been quite painful. Perhaps, like those of his ilk, he too shall pass till the next upstart appears. One can only wonder when this gathering of upstarts will start to feel like barnacles on the Mediacorp ship–utterly useless encrustations that impede movement and speed.

Hello world!

Alas, I begin with a rant.

After watching The Ultimatum for 2 weeks, I am convinced that it is not actually a TV series but an exercise in how to make a blockbuster go bust. Think about it. If there was no penultimate aim to this Ultimatum, then why would they do the following:

1)   Cast Li Nanxing in the same role again.

If one didn’t know any better, one would have thought Li Nanxing walked out of The Golden Path and accidentally landed in The Ultimatum because, honestly, haven’t you seen this Li Nanxing before? Several times, in fact? Or should I say, every time, in fact? This guy is always either the God of Gamblers or the Ah Beng. And he is always the SAME God of Gamblers or Ah Beng–the names may have changed but the characters remain the same…(cue scary music: wooooooooo). Sometimes, for the sake of variety, he is even supposed to be a YOUNGER version of that Ah Beng (I say “supposed” because it is hard to take him seriously when his idea of being youthful is to gesticulate wildly, bounce like Tigger and behave like Barney). In The Ultimatum, we get all 3. The Ultimate Li Nanxing bonus compilation. Whoopee.

2)   Cast Li Nanxing as Zoe Tay’s love interest. Again. In a plotline that goes nowhere.

Why is Li Nanxing’s character part of the story? How do the writers figure his subplot will develop, complicate or even add value to the main one? Is he supposed to be a mysterious character? Are we meant to be curious–is he or isn’t he the God of Gamblers (Wooooooo)? If so, it is not working. Li Nanxing’s attempt at playing a young man is more irritating than intriguing (see reasons above). Is it meant for us to sympathise with the Zoe Tay character? Or give it depth because she has a great unforgettable love? If so, it is also not working. All we get is a montage of Zoe Tay and Li Nanxing prancing around in Macau. Montages pass time. They do not grand passions make. Furthermore, can they not find another love interest for Zoe Tay except the perenial God of Gamblers? I mean, look, he’s lost his memory. He may not be the one. The story speaks for itself. It’s time to let go. Move on. Please. This plot is tired already. This audience is tired already.

3)   Have us believe that Zoe Tay and Fann Wong are the same age.

Seriously. There’s suspension of disbelief and then there’s this little nugget. How do I say this delicately? Suspension of disbelief requires some element of plausibility. It is already a stretch for us to believe that Zoe Tay is a young woman in her early thirties. It requires special effects to have us believe that she is the same age as Fann Wong.

4)   Cast Benedict Goh.

I have only one thing to say about this: why? Why would you want to remind us that his superpower is that he has only one expression? Have you forgotten this blast from the past?:

Now, do you believe me? If not, stay tuned. I betcha there’s more.